ACCESS!

For immediate release:

Liefeld, Larsen and McFarlane to Marvel and DC: F&$@ Your World, We Only Live Once!

While some may say we owe what success of our careers to the big two publishers, we have many more reasons for being more than a bit extremely agitated by their practices. Larsen hates knowing he is a half-assed Peter David imitator. McFarlane was robbed of Marvelman by Gaiman’s second wife’s need for expensive mascara, and Liefeld has been burned by editors from both companies. Well, we say F&$@ it all!

Man of Miracles!

Coming this Summer, the new Youngblood: FTWYOLO will show those suit and tie bastiches exactly what we really think of ‘em, and their lawyers! The story opens with the shocking murders of the entire Youngblood team that illiterate preteens everywhere know and love! So President Obama takes it upon himself to enlist a brand new team to hunt down the killers and avenge the Youngblood heroes! But who does he pick? ACCESS! Co-owned by Marvel and DC and not seen since the retard-O inter-company crossover years ago, neither publisher is willing or interested to free this true blue hero from legal stasis, so we’ll do it for them! Access comes to the Image dimension after the destruction of his previous two dimensions from…greedy corporations- yeah, GREEDY CORPORATIONS- that’s it, and is eager to help this President Obama to save this dimension- the one, true dimension! He is joined by Marvelman, who doesn’t want to be a part of any of his own previous dimensions or owned by the publisher of Speedball, so has found himself eager to find a new home in the Image-verse! Also on the team will be Erik’s Savage Dragon, and Todd’s Spawn, and Rob’s Bloodwulf! And also that guy Whilce Portacio created for the Image United reunion series because none of his old Image properties were worth reviving! We’re also bringing in Howard the Duck, and the Destroyer Duck, to symbolize how big publishers F-ed other creators too! And Neal Adams will be loaning Valeria the She-bat for a guest appearance in early issues, as McFarlane has finally finished drawing the pages for the issue of Spawn where she was supposed to guest star from almost 20 years ago, and because Adams is desperate for work- and for real creator rights too and we want to milk that! We don’t care! We don’t give a F&$@!!!

uhm...This Guy!

F&$@ attorneys! F&$@ legal counsels! Let’s make comics fun again, corporate boards be damned!

singed,(sic)

Robert Liefeld

Erik Larsen

Todd McFarlane

—

And the nipples of comic book bloggers everywhere have just grown concrete hard.

Marvel is no stranger to custom comics, with such notable special issues having found their ways into the hands of customers frequenting 7-11, Burger King, Cinemark, and a variety of other products and businesses. Generally such special comics are limited to a rather small print run and serve as little more than extended advertisements for whichever product or business covering the printing cost. Only one other custom comic in the idiom’s history has ever before sparked attention in the commercial media, being of course the well-remembered Spider-Man and the X-Men battle Herpes custom comic that was available in the early 1990s by mail order with enough Snickers candy bar UPC symbols. That comic story launched the career of a young Warren Ellis, and the original artwork for Al Columbia’s cover would go on to be auctioned at Christie’s for a shocking 200 grand.

The American Welding Society Iron-Man Special was written by John Layman (with a rumored plot assist from none other than Robert Kirkman) and drawn by Robert Atkins, inked by Rick Ketcham and Troy Hubbs, lettered by Cory Petit and colored by Andrew Crossley. In the story, Iron-man crashes down from a space battle into a union meeting of the American Welders of Illinois Local 421, who proceed to perform an on the spot repair of Iron-Man’s armor while reviving Tony Stark and fending off the villainous team-up of Paste Pot Pete, the Ringer, the Looter, the Stilt-Man, and a confused Woodgod, until Iron-Man was ready to save the day. Grateful for the assistance, the story ends with Stark reneging on his decision to layoff 5,000 Stark Industrial employees.

And evidently, the story was a smashing success. Said Boose,  “The immediate support from all dues-paying members of the American Welding Society was just outrageous. We seriously worried at the last minute back then in 2008 that Joe Quesada’s decision to ban smoking from Marvel comics would have pissed off the many cigar-chompers employed at the Ford plant, the General Electric plant, etc. But goodness no, they have been launching petition after petition hoping to propel this into an ongoing comic series. After their zealotry spread to several other unions across the country and resulting in this unheard of number of reprints, we are in fact considering just that. Jeph Loeb is even toying with this setup as a new live-action television series too, as soon as we find a cheaper actor than Robert Downey Jr., but you didn’t hear that from me.”

American Welding Society Iron-Man Special, now in its ninth printing and with a new and exclusive cover, is available only to dues-paying members of any affiliate of AFL-CIO and their families. Disney and Marvel may be opposed to Unions themselves, but if there’s money to be made…

Metrosexual much?

The most recent controversy stemmed from its decision to use Orson Scott Card to write a story for an upcoming Superman anthology. Despite the otherwise sound premise of hiring someone who hates writing superheroes, and through his work on Ultimate Iron Man has proven quite inept at writing them, to write a Superman story, the plan was mired in controversy and ended shamefully.

As revealed by Card’s Wikipedia Page, he is a practicing member of the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints. To protest DC’s employment of an open Latter Day Saints practitioner, several groups organized boycotts of Card’s work specifically, and DC’s titles in general. Several stores refused to stock any books produced by such a blatantly religious individual. It should be noted that the original nickname for AIDS was “Saint disease” after the first several hundred cases were all directly linked to a club in New York that went by that name. And whose owner, was also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints. Or possibly not.

And now with the impending release of the Enders Game big-budgeted blockbuster, we at New Comics Day are pleased as punch to announce our latest contest:

If you, a faithful reader of New Comics Day, can establish documented proof positive beyond any shadow of a doubt that not only is Card a Latter Day Sainter, but do so in a way that is highly suggestive that he may also be a fan of Lady Gaga, then you will be the lucky winner of New Comics Day Senior Founding Executive Editor in Chief of Marketing and Promotions Torkild Hackler’s vast, vast comic book collection, including trade collections and graphic novels (which are NOT the same thing, people). AND, as the title of this article suggests, in cooperation with the 2013 Harvey Awards committee you will win the password, login info and bank routing numbers for full access to the account where the funds from all of the purchased 2013 Harvey Awards nominations were deposited. Offer void where prohibited. Residents of Alaska, Hawaii and Guam disallowed from entry.

Additional reporting by nilskidoo.

“The rumors are decidedly true,” began Walton, a surprisingly mousy young woman in a smart business dress suit, “that Wal-Mart has long been looking for the right avenues to explore in crossing the threshold from retailer supreme to actual producer of goods. And with the continued success of comic books into other mediums, we have opted to form our very own proud publishing label of graphic novels and monthly series, so as to reclaim comic books as a valid form of entertainment- in keeping with our core of American values.”

“We’ve got over 4,500 locations in the US alone. We can be a bestseller just by selling 3 books per store per month. We can beat Marvel or DC on price by printing in volumes they can’t match. They’ve got Spider-Man and Batman, but outside of media and licensing, what’re those characters really worth? Strictly in terms of publishing units, they’re not spectacular. Our super-stores cater to the short attention spans of our consumers, providing opportunities for them to dine on McDonalds food while having their hair and nails done and opening bank accounts and enlisting in the Armed Forces. While our content will be all new materials, our studies indicate that we could easily create characters that could quickly prove to be every bit as iconic as the Wolverines and Supermen of the comic book medium, just by throwing the label of “NEW!” onto all of our covers. As well, while many mainstream comics today average 4 or 5 dollars per issue, our books will be available with a cross the line price point of .99, because we know how devastating the economy has been to our customers. Our shareholders told us so.”

The new comic book enterprise, officially to be called Smiley Comics LLC, will feature the familiar Smiley logo icon as the face of the enterprise. Explained Walton, “While we actually reappropriated the smiley face graphic from a street artist in Worcester, MA who copyrighted the image in the 1960s, we have always seen the appealing visage as representative as to how we wish our consumers to feel inside of our stores. When Brian Pulido had registered his take on the character we had begun to worry, but after he was eventually willing to sell the property to out growing list of IP we could not be happier. We feel the sentiments of the Evil Ernie license, which we have also purchased from Dynamite Entertainment, would greatly appeal to our chosen demographic of mullet-sporting young American males. However, as the bulk of the Evil Ernie property itself is wholly too Satanic for our conservative Republican aesthetics, we will be locking the rest of the characters up forever in our vaults. But Smiley will be our “Mickey Mouse” if you will.”

“Spearheading Smiley Comics will be recent Comics Alliance expatriates Chris Sims, Andy Khouri and David Brothers as Editors, along with former MTV Geek Editor in Chief Val Gallaher, who will oversee them as Editor in Chief of the new comics line. But in keeping with our long-held company standards, Gallaher will actually only be paid 60% of what her three Editors will be earning, being a female. And Val was okay with that, declaring the experience will help fuel another tell-all book down the line, should the overall experience turn sour.”

“And as far as what our titles will be, well fans will just need to come into our stores to see for themselves,” Walton ended shrewdly.

Additional reporting by nilskidoo.

My favorite piece here at New Comics Day was all about the shitstorm of Marvel‘s making, but let’s not pretend they’re the only guy on the block with a girlfriend hiding her bruises.  So here’s the thing bitches, you’re asking for it.  All of you.  This isn’t that super-conservative “she’s dressed like a whore so she shouldn’t be surprised” bullshit.  This is “she put an ad on Craigslist with her home address, a map to the hide-a-key and a picture of herself already bound with duct tape saying anything goes, cowboy”.

Stop paying them to insult you.  Stop paying these jackasses to violate you.  Stop going back to them when they beat you.  Stop telling them how great they are when you see them talking to their friends about what a crazy bitch they think you are.

Stop giving up your allowance or your paycheck to the assholes that have forced Spider-Woman onto every Avengers team in the past decade without ever giving her a storyline beyond “I’m sad and mopey cause none of you like me but I’ll sleep with you for attention.”  If your greatest, most visionary arcs for a female character revolve around who’s using her as a slampiece and who’s going to kidnap, capture and treat her worse than a princess in a Mario game, then leave her the hell alone.  This means don’t crap on then brainwipe the Scarlet Witch and have her bang Hawkeye.  This means don’t have Spider-Woman get caught by Skrulls and the Intelligencia (whoops!  Naked prisoner time!) and then have her bang Hawkeye.  This means you don’t bring back Mockingbird as another alien kidnap victim and have her bang her inattentive ex-love Hawkeye.  This means not having Goliath/Ant-Man/Giant-Man/Yellowjacket butchslap the Wasp only to have her find brief comfort in the arms of Goliath 2 (also Hawkeye). This means don’t you even think about doing whatever sick hookup shit you have planned for Jean Grey, especially if it means banging Hawkeye.

You hear me Bendis?  Because that’s all kind of pointed at you.  Show some talent and don’t tell a story where your favorite rainbow flavored rape-proxy like Purple Man or Mandril turns a woman into a supple, docile sex victim.  If I hear Mesmero’s going to pop his green googlie-ooglies over in All New X-Men you’re just going to prove my point.

But back to you, the fans.  Stop supporting stories that insult your intelligence.  If they fool you once, shame on them, but if they fool you twice by convincing you to buy an equally insulting spin-off series, or a hardcover collection of books you already bought just because you’re Ash Ketchem and you need to have them all.  That’s on you. Twelve steps begin somewhere, ya know.

Stop supporting writers that insult you both individually and as a collective.  And not just writers… creators in general.  If they want to go on Twitter and call you outdated because you remember back when a story didn’t need a shocking sex revelation and gratuitous character death to make sales quotas, then do not buy their work.  If they want to blame you for their unemployment just because you don’t have the disposable income to buy their book more than once, then see how they like it when you don’t buy it at all.  If they want to call you a troll because you called them out on some crap work, do not buy their work.  If they want to dismiss you, your friends and your comrades-in-art as neckbeards, pansies, pirates and pablum then do not buy their stuff.

Stop supporting work you hate in hopes that someday Big Comics might make something you like.  Do not buy a shit book guest starring your favorite character because you want them to put out a mini-series some day.  Do not buy a title with characters you hate and writing that sucks just because you have a bunch of other equally bad stories  under the previous adventures.  Listen to me: If you buy a book where your favorite character is badly written, given a ridiculous 180 personality change or otherwise treated like shit you are telling the publisher that THAT is how you want to see them. 

And stop supporting those that shit on you for loving their work!  Writers write these stories in hopes that you’ll fall in love with their characters.  Publishers hope you’ll enjoy their products and you’ll want to buy more.  When that works and you want to spend your own money and time promoting their products, doing the work their own PR folks can’t get right, it doesn’t mean you get an ownership interest in their character.  Your Stephanie site doesn’t mean DC needs to seek your editorial approval for storylines, but damned if your dedicating 24 months to promoting their book, toward trying to bring in readers, toward developing resources to help their creators understand what the fandom loves about the character and what makes her vital and unique… damned if all that doesn’t merit more respect than a year long series of dismissive and sometimes insulting comments at every convention the powers that be and Dan Didio see fit to appear at.

Because we know how this always ends. Cycles of abuse are written about by folks who know. I myself have been unable to shit right since DC’s NU52 revamping. Do you hear me, Bob Harras? The merry go round of creators playing musical chairs that you’ve been overseeing has given me a case of metaphorical crabs. I am a comic book fan, not a fan of toy catalogues, and not a fan of thinly-veiled advertisements for movies that also only hurt me in the end. Believe it or not I have an attention span that goes back more than fifteen minutes, and it would be swell if half of your writers could say the same and follow through with their promises. Changing creative teams mid-issue, every issue is schizophrenia, and schizophrenia is a major illness that requires intrinsic counseling. And your not publishing the Before Watchmen epilogue from Len Wein is like the rapist’s spin on remorse, where he offers the bloody and crying me a cigarette before running off to high-five the rest of the high school football team. High school was a long damn time ago, but folks like Bendis and Didio, Joe Quesada, Stephen Wacker and Gail Simone all seem to forget that. They know what’s best for us, whether we like it or not. And Simone- she’s like a Patty Hearst. Her comics never sell, but if an abuser like Marvel or DC or Dynamite need a token female, there she is! And if anyone points out how her books always get cancelled, why they’re just attacking her because she’s a female! That’s not feminism, that’s selling your own virtues for nickles for the chance to be Uncle Tom in drag. Way to set an example.

You want to find a creator that respects you?  Fall in love with a book that’s only selling 2000 copies.  Don’t fall too in love… it can’t make the rent so it’ll be moving out of town next week or asking if it can use your printing press for a few months while it gets back on its feet.  But fall in love just enough to know what it’s like to read a book where you matter to the creative team.  Some of the big guys remember what it was like to have books with circulations so low their subscribers all lived with them, so they’ll probably treat you right. Any healthy relationship absolutely must be give and take. This does not mean giving over your billfold while taking it in the ass. This does not mean taking the punch to the kidneys in front of your friends and giving your forgiveness in turn. Stand strong, and know your rights as a consumer. You can have your cake and eat it too and don’t ever let anyone ever tell you different. They can tell you that you like it all they want, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Additional contributions by nilskidoo.

Now, we know for certain, as Isaac Perlmutter’s shocking personal appearance at the Marvel bullpen and the heated closed door sessions that followed have left the comics world with the news that Marvel must indeed begin to downsize. Perlmutter, infamous for trimming loose cogs from corporate machinery to not only enable survival of profit shares but to rake in even more capital on top of that, is no stranger to having his way.

Said a tearful Tom Brevoort, resident chief fanboy of Marvel Entertainment via skype, “It’s all true. Mr. Perlmutter has decided that to earn some extra cash enough to pull ourselves back from debt, we at Marvel have been ordered to endure the opening up of our esteemed catalogue of unused B-, C-, and D- list characters for public auction. That’s right, if you happen to fancy an old, out-dated character from the Marvel Universe, it can be yours if the price is right, preferably in Yen. Obviously, the heavy hitters are off limits, but any that have not appeared as of January 1st, 2000 are up for grabs, as are any characters appearing in less than five individual comics throughout the publishing history of our line.”

Aghast, this writer himself just purchased all rights to the infamous villainess Halflife (for five dollars and twenty-three cents), who only appeared in freaking West Coast Avengers and Quasar and a Cap annual backup tale way back. Total punk-rock, “Bride of Frankenstein” vibe except she’s an alien. This writer plans on launching a new, self-published ongoing in the Fall to feature the character, full of hardcore porn and tentatively called “Halflife in LOVE”.

Said Nick Barrucci, top dog of Dynamic Forces Entertainment, “I just bought every villain that appeared in the ten-issue Speedball series of the late 1980s for thirteen bucks even. What am I gonna do with ‘em? Fuck if I know, but now I own more IP from this deal alone than Steve Ditko himself ever scored from Marvel in all his years. I totally high-fived Dan Didio on my way out. HAHAHA!”

Unfortunately, thanks to the negative article in USA Today detailing the fistfight notorious comic geeks Kurt Busiek and Mark Waid got into with each other outside of the main entrance to the Marvel offices, fighting over who gets in first, total profits expected to be raised from the in progress auctions are not expected to raise much more than what Greg Land miserably makes for a single cover’s worth of stolen photography.

Continued Brevoort via skype, “We have a backup plan though. Quesada knows a guy who knows a guy who produces American Pickers. We already placed a call, and hopefully the publicity of their swinging by the Bullpen will help spread the word among those desperate idiots across the country who still believe they can make money by spending money.”

Stan Lee could not be reached for comment as of press time. Well he probably could, but that dude’s getting creepy with the dementia in his old age, ya know? Regardless, this is a strange time for Marvel fans the world over, as the Marvel Universe’s rapidly diminishing population is inadvertently giving power to the fan community over the almost-iconic characters they love so much at last. But as for this writer’s prospective Halflife series, I’d like to find an artist with a brushy “alternative/indie” style, so if you’re looking to make some scratch email me care of this site asap.

“And Kevin Smith and Glenn Fabry’s Daredevil/Bullseye: The Target Omnibus will be our finest yet. We’re collecting both completed issues three times apiece, as we’re showing the pages in black and white and the original colouring, and also new re-colouring by Steve Oliff- who is dramatically underutilized today and needs his name in more credit boxes. There will also be the loose script for the third issue, a terse paragraph from the original editor about how the whole thing was supposed to end, and trust me it changes Bullseye and Daredevil’s relationship entirely, and some bonus features, including reprints of every pinup that appeared in Daredevil Annual #s 6, 7, 8, and 9, but not 10 because that old armor was stupid, as well as a cover gallery featuring all of Glenn Fabry’s legitimately gorgeous Hellblazer covers (because our network of Disney attorneys are feeling particularly ballsy this month). And also a reprint of the first half of Sleepwalker #12. Neither Daredevil or Bullseye made an appearance there, but we needed filler.”

Bleeding Cool is also reporting that the Daredevil/Bullseye: The Target Omnibus collection shall also include many e-mails in which Kevin Smith talks about characters that may or may not be Daredevil, pitched an Uncanny X-Men mini-series featuring a new Summers sister as team leader, and went through a rather trite and cliched analysis of the dichotomy between Bruce Wayne and Batman, as well as one possibly drunken email where he apparently intended to pitch DC on a Tailgunner Jo reboot.

The massive collection will have a new cover spotlighting a throwaway sketch from Joe Quesada, and has a Diamond code of FUMOUSE69.

Additional reporting by nilskidoo.

• Luke Cage will die for like two years.  Bendis’s Luke Cage fanfic was recently collected by Marvel as “New Avengers” and just as Marvel attempted to remind us of how important Wasp, Professor Xavier and Nightcrawler were before their deaths, there has been clear effort on Marvel’s part to make us think that someone other than Bendis must want to read about the character.  This rumor is 6 yogurts.
• Sentry will return.  With Bleeding Cool’s paid coverage of Paul Jenkins’s Deathmatch demonstrating that it only takes a significant discount and daily press coverage to turn a relatively cliched comic trope into the 7th largest comic book publisher’s number one title, it’s only natural that Marvel will revisit one of Jenkins’s earliest attempts to take someone else’s character and spin it into a derivative character, the Sentry.  Marvel’s brain-damaged Superman rose to prominence with a well received mini-series, but it wasn’t until Bendis included the character in the above-mentioned “New Avengers” that fans realized how much they hated the character.  The character shlepped, and slept, his way toward universal hatred before his ultimate death, and the time is right for Marvel to bring him back.  It took one poorly conceived and expensive crossover to kill the character, expect another to bring him back.  Worth noting is that former Marvel best-selling writer Mark Miller found similar success with his pastiches of established comic characters in titles such as “Wanted” and “Civil War”.  This rumor is full dilation.
• Wonder Man will do something somewhat redeeming, but still dickish.  After sullying long-time Marvel fans’ memories of beloved characters Scarlet Witch, Scott Lang, She-Hulk, Hawkeye, Spider-Woman, Luke Cage and more, Bendis chose to turn long-time Avengers mainstay into an unconvincingly motivated villain who sought to attack his long-time comrades.  As far as anyone can tell, Wonder Man’s plan was to perform acts of super-villainy until the Avengers would chose to disband.  This flied in the face of Avengers 101, which states that the Avengers were formed to combat the threats no other heroes could defeat.  Prior to being assigned to the X-Men books, which were already plagued by longtime characters acting against decades of character development, Bendis attempted to redeem Wonder Man by having him tell Captain America he was really, really sorry.  Possessed of ill-defined powers that somehow always turn out to be exactly what was necessary to defeat supremely powerful villains, and as the brain-template for Ultron’s “son” Vision, Wonder Man’s role in the story will be largely relegated to a conveniently heroic plot twist sacrifice.  This rumor is Level 96000.
• Spider-Man, despite being a super-genius, or at least possessed by one, will be crucial to the story even though he will only hit and kick things.  This isn’t so much a rumor as a historically accurate picture of his role in every crossover ever.  Except X-Cutioner’s Song.  Even at the height of cash-grabbing dysfunction Marvel realized there were occasionally stories Spider-Man didn’t belong in.  This rumor is 10 Watchmen.
• The universe will not be rebooted, however multiple poorly received storylines will be rendered moot by the entire experience.  From Thor’s seconds long death following Fear Itself, to the nonsense resurrections of random characters during Chaos War and everything about Avengers vs. X-Men, nearly a decade of awful storylines will be rolled back, returning Marvel to the status quo established by its somewhat less awful stories of the late 1990′s. This rumor is motor oil.
• Blue. Hulk. This rumor is liberty divided by seven point four.
• Gaiman’s Angela will return, but will also be killed off IMMEDIATELY by an even bigger bombshell return, as Marvelman enters the Marvel U for a new ongoing “Executive Produced” by Gaiman, with covers and occasional interior issues by Mark Buckingham. This rumor is also level 96000.
• The Days of Future Past mega story will spin into the next big arc, with parameters broadened to include all heroes, not just the mutie scum. The young Cyclops, recently brought from the past by Bendis, will be the traitor, setting off the assassination (again) of Professor X (who will be psychically controlling Scott Summers into these actions, but that will not be revealed until later next year) and the destruction of half of the X-men teams in a secret government attack that will change the Marvel U as much as did Atlantis Attacks. This rumor is track 22 Brides of Joe’s Alibi Unplugged. 
• Massive Marvel layoffs following the end of the poorly-executed story. This rumor is to the Nth.

Additional reporting by nilskidoo.

Stated new Siegel and Shuster council attorney Mark McCracken, “Frankly, I think this sets a new precedent in copyright laws entirely, if judges can now completely rewrite the rulebook like this. I personally have major objections, but my clients are at long last willing to settle for Judge Hoover’s declarations, and it is certainly within their legal rights to take the new cards that were dealt.”

In trying to get to the heart of the story, ace Rex Graine impersonator and New Comics Day Senior Editor of Legal Affairs nilskidoo followed attorney McCracken’s legal aide, Candy Jacobowitz, to a local bar for the full story. In digging through her notes, of both the trial as well as a followup private meeting between McCracken and the heirs of Siegel and Shuster, after spending NCD funds on copious amounts of alcohol as sacrifice in the call of journalistic integrity, the full details have been made available for NCD readers.

Effective 13 April 2013, the property of Superman and all relative copyrights and trademarks will remain in the ownership of Warner Communications, parent company of DC Entertainment, publishers of the assorted comics featuring the iconic Kryptonian. Instead, and for reasons that defy any perceived logic, Judge Hoover has signed over the property and all related copyrights and trademarks of G’nort to the Siegel and Shuster heirs, who shall share ownership of the character and all licensing, Ex nunc.

So for those keeping score at home and following this long and winding chain of litigatations going back many long years, Superman stays with DC, but the most unpopular Green Lantern of all will now be owned by persons who had nothing whatsoever to do with the furry fury. Created by J. Marc Dematteis and Keith Giffen in the late 1980s, G’nort has suffered the distaste of many a fan while being utilized primarily as comedic relief. Why the judge in this case would sign over rights to a character having nothing to do with the litigation remains unknown, but the heirs of Siegel and Shuster are reportedly acceptable to the new deal. Obviously, Green Lantern is still a property owned fully by DC Comics, which means that G’nort will require a reboot of his very own outside of any connection to the emerald space police if the heirs wish to pursue new adventures for the property in addition to just collecting residuals from past appearances of the character in assorted DC comic books of the last 25 or so years, collections and all. But continuing the misadventures of G’nort is indeed part of the plan.

As the legal aide’s notes reveal, only hours after court was adjourned talk was already under way, with a phone call made to Jim Shooter, veteran writer and editor, to assist in the formation of a brand new comic publishing label specifically to publish new G’nort tales. Shooter, always eager for another paycheck, was cleverly quick to suggest a new codename for the dogged hero, who will now be known as the “Green Ringer”. This of course will play into the concept of G’nort, an alien hero on Earth, as the penultimate unprofessional professional, or the rookie master if you will.

It is suggested by some insiders that longtime Shooter collaborators Alan Weiss and JayJay Jackson will be involved in the new series, although Erik Larsen has also been expressing great enthusiasm on his twitter account through over 4 dozen posts in the last 24 hours.

The strangest portion of Judge Hoover’s statements however, is his signing over the full copyright of Marvelman to the Siegel and Shuster heirs as well, particularly as neither the character or the many claimants to its ownership hold any correlation whatsoever to these proceedings.

“I completely admit, I haven’t read many comics, but I just love the Batman,” said Michael-Varner recently over a long-distance cell call, “and those Avengers movies made bank. So, I figured since I was laid off from Burger King for spitting in my manager’s iced tea, that I was now through with the daily grind. How hard could it be to make some big-money comic books? I haven’t even designed any characters yet, but I just started an account at a website I found called wordpress, and it was so easy I can’t believe nobody else had not thought of it. I’m forecasting ad revenues alone will be enough for me to finally get a house by the end of the year. I emailed a guy I met in a bar last week who said he’s the second cousin of J.J. Abrams to see if he could get the guy to direct the film adaptation next year. I’m into the idea of cross-branding and merchandising too- beach towels, PEZ candies, action figures, a cartoon show, you name it and I’ll be looking into all avenues. I am gonna get so rich.”

When NCD editors tried to point out to Michael-Varner the tens of thousands of webstrips already online that may present some competition for his dreams, as NCD editors take great pride in smashing dreams as much as setting records straight, Michael-Varner responded, “No, I think you’re wrong there. I watch TV every day and I’ve only heard of three or four webcomics. So my research suggests that is is clearly an open and unexplored market, and I am going to take full advantage. I never went to art school or anything, and the longest thing I ever wrote was a page and a half drunken rant to my girlfriend who broke up with me three years ago. But boy won’t she be upset to learn she’s missing the gravy train!”

Prompted to share some glimpse as to what the new series will be about, Michael-Varner replies, “Oh, I don’t care about the story really, that will come to me later. Nobody cares about story or art, at least not the little kids who read comics. Comics are made for little kids. And they don’t have to pay bills, so their money is expendable, which is how I am going to cash in. This will be so easy, why hasn’t anybody ever thought of this before? I am a creative genius!”

Additional reporting by nilskidoo.