New Comics Day flew out our own veteran Rex Graine impersonator nilskidoo to cover the many events of the San Diego Comic Con. Though he’s been lost in the field for the last 24 hours, we are happy to finally bring you his latest installment in a series of exclusive coverage.
“Lost in the field”, Torkild? Really? Ugh rumble grumble…
Okay okay, allow me to explain. Late Friday night, after I had been drinking all the live long day, I called my editor in chief Torkild Hackler to request that he wire me additional money. For booze. But that rat fink cheapskate bastard hung up on me. Me! So, I rang up the room service of my cheap hotel and requested a few bottles of glue. I can go old-fashioned, believe you me. They inform me that, what with being overbooked for the convention, they are in fact a bit shorthanded and asked if I could come down and pick up the gear myself. I needed a fix to get me through this nightmare of Hollywood tomfoolery so I comply. On my way back up to my room, who do I run into in the corridor but none other than Sam “I draw lots and lots of telephone chords” Kieth, up late in his bathrobe to fetch a bucket of ice! It was like divine providence, as my drunken schemes were coming to fruition. Being a skilled journalist who incidentally was then flying higher than a kite, I tackle the man, dragging him into his room for an emergency business meeting. He’s nowhere near as big as the Maxx, mind you, so it took little effort on my part to duct tape him to a chair so that he could hear me out. There were no threats involved, no matter what his attorney later claimed. Why would I need to threaten anyone to agree to illustrate my pitch to DC Comics?
That’s right, I was offering Sam Kieth the chance to sign on to illustrate my proposed series, a spinoff to the Legion of Super-Heroes that would essentially be a sci-fi buddy comedy featuring the infamous failures of the many LoSH tryouts Arm Fall Off Boy and the Plaid Lad. Well, Plaid Lad has only had one appearance back in Legionnaires, but Arm Fall Off Boy has appeared in virtually every tryout to date. And the two would make a great team, in a vein very similar in feel to Peter David’s X-Factor Investigations. Throw in guest appearances by G’nort, the Heckler, Mary Marvel (pre-pleather fetish version), Joe Simon’s Prez, and Neil Gaiman’s Despair and you would have some compelling space adventure! The first story arc would involve Jamm, the New Blood mind-controlling skater from the mid 1990s, now a hubris-worshipping supervillain! And with Sam on board to draw the series, maybe even paint the covers as well, then there’s no way DC would turn it down. Even though they do not accept cold submissions, this property would be piping red hot! So I tried to explain all of this to Sam, frantically, while hitting those glue bottles like Rob Liefeld on another coke binge and waving my arms all about. After a few hours of my shouting at the fearing for his life little man, I guess the neighbors called the police and the next thing I know I am locked up in a detox cell for the next 24 hours.
Fearing I’d miss all of the big movie news today, I instead lucked out into an exclusive of my own! Over the past 24 long, oh so excruciatingly long and brutal hours, I have interviewed my cellmate, Cliff Williamsburger. It turns out, that Cliff was onetime roommates with a man who had a cameo appearance in an episode of the syndicated Timecop television series! And I and I alone got the story!
New Comics Day: So Cliff, you say you once had a roomie who was an actor?
Cliff: Well, no, but I had a roomie whose cousin was a small time actor. Nate’s cousin Charlie. Charlie was in an episode of that Timecop show, you know- the one without Van Damme?
New Comics Day: I see. And what role did he play?
Cliff: He didn’t have no name, no title. He was in a crowd- just for one scene. You could kinda make out him saying something, but I don’t remember. Only watched it once myself.
New Comics Day: Okay. Uhm, and who was the director? What were Charlie’s methods for getting into character for a property that had previously existed in two other mediums?
Cliff: No freakin’ idea. Me an’ Nate were only roomies for 4, mebbe 5 months. Then he got kicked outta the community college for poor grades I think. He only talked about his cuz Charlie a couple of times.
New Comics Day: Did you ever meet Charlie at all?
Cliff: Nope. I almost met one of Nate’s other cousins though, when she was passing through town with her husband on a roadtrip. They met up with Nate and they all went out to eat. She wasn’t no actress though. Real estate.
New Comics Day: But you didn’t meet her?
Cliff: Naw- she was a fatty. F-that.
So there you have it- my EXCLUSIVE interview with Cliff Williamsburger, whose onetime roommate’s cousin was a cameo in an episode of Timecop! You will read it nowhere else! Now that I am free once more, and painfully sober, and now without a hotel room or financial backing from New Comics Day, the mad convention ride continues! San Diego, baby!
