Following the news of a rather dastardly global conspiracy building in the pages of the new Archer & Armstrong series, we at New Comics Day are elated to announce that our very own nilskidoo, author of this article and well known to the IRS by the name Richard Caldwell, will himself be writing a new ongoing for Valiant featuring the hardly anticipated return of the Secret Weapons.
With co-plotting assists from New Comics Day founding Line Executive Managing Group Editor In Chief of Production and Development Torkild Hackler, the new Secret Weapons will see the nefarious Master Darque reintroduced into the newly rebirthed Valiant Comics in a role that will quickly prove to be an elaborately twisted departure for what many consider to be the prime villain of Valiant incarnations past.
“Darque will in fact be the star of the new comic book series,” said nilskidoo while talking to himself via his bathroom mirror, “and as this version of the character is still a master necromancer, he is troubled by the challenges presented by the mysterious one-percenters who are responsible for controlling the fate of the world in every conceivable way. Of course being the big bad of any Valiant universe, he wants to control the world himself, and the largest threat to that is this clandestine cabal of corporate executives, shadowy military and political leaders, and various religious authorities who have been quietly manipulating every major occurrence on the world stage, going back to the dawn of civilization. Darque doesn’t want the competition, so like the new kid in prison, he’s sizing up the biggest guy and he’s going to bite a chunk out of his face to send a shocking and awe-inspiring message to everyone else of his penultimate intentions.”
“The first arc will detail Master Darque’s secretive globetrotting as he enlists the participation of many a familiar face, including Doctor Eclipse, Doctor Mirage, and Doctor Silk, to form a team of magistrate-bishops known as the Voyagers. Seeking to build a private army of beings ranging from morally ambiguous to outright villainous, and all psychologically damaged enough to withstand the round the clock programming issued forth from the media-controlling one-percenters, the Voyagers will be hellbent on commanding said army into the specific aim of destroying the one-percent wherever they may be, so that Darque himself can more easily divide and conquer the world,” continued the ever-rambling nilskidoo to himself. “Counter to this plot thread of Darque’s POV, will be the story of Woody Van Chelton, frontman for the hit rock band the Acclaimers, who is forced to leave his life behind following the unsolved murder of his gay lover Eric Henderson at an Occupy Washington DC rally. At the behest of his landlady Mama Nettie, Woody and childhood drinking buddy Clay McHenry choose to clean up their lives in pursuit of higher callings, and so enlist in a new Homeland Unity program established under the recent merging of the conservative Tea Party to the liberal Green Party, but soon discovering that said Green Tea program is actually itself but a cover for the private army being raised by Master Darque and his Voyagers. Woody is soon trained into the Armorines division, setup to deal with assorted military threats to Darque’s dark plans, while Clay is trained into the HARD Corps division, setup to deal with whatever paranormal agents unwittingly employed by the illuminated agendas of the one-percenters.”
“And eventually,” said the bourbon-breathed nilskidoo, “there will be several showdowns, from Woody and Clay realizing they are mere footsoldiers at the bottom of a pyramid compelled into an invisible war of megalithic forces, as well as the final clash at the top of the metaphorical pyramid between the Voyagers and the one-percenters themselves. And wait until my big reveal, around issue 23 or so, where Darque announces his only real goal was to impress his sister Sandria Darque enough for an incestuous fling. But wait- she’s been bedding one-percenter Steve Jobs all this time, who faked his death so that he could design and build a space station to enable the other one-percenters to survive the 2012 destruction of the Earth…”
When asked to comment on the upcoming comic, Valiant Entertainment Publisher and former Wizard magazine flunkie Fred Pierce stated, “You kids need professional help. Seriously. No more emails, and I don’t even want to know how you got my number, but cease and desist and get some psychiatric assistance, immediately.”
