In an announcement possibly unrelated to DC’s recent plans to produce an illustrated third testament to the holy bible, Marvel Comics have themselves confirmed the launching of a new religious series, which will focus on the devastatingly apocalyptic repercussions of the newly created Earth-666 merging with the 616, as the Living Tribunal returns to reveal how the mouth of Hell has apparently been plugged up these past five thousand years with Noah’s ark, with the ancient flooding subsided by raining on the devil’s parade, so to speak. And now that Thanos is back and is using the Infinity Gauntlet to remove what’s left of the fabled big boat to end all fabled big boats, trouble will fundamentally be storming the gates of Israel once more. The comic book in question, which will be titled Armageddon Saints Sharing Commandments Of Christ’s Kingdom, will see the long-awaited reprisal of such beloved Marvel properties as Pope John Paul II, Mother Teresa, and Saint Francis of Assisi, as a parallel world inhabited by demonically altered versions of the Marvel Comics heroes and villains we know and love is unleashed on the Marvel U.
“While DC thinks they can co-opt something old and public domainy as the Holy Bible, we at the House of Ideas ALREADY have our own Christian heroes which we’ve actually been planning to bring back for quite a long time,” informed Steve Wacker, Marvel editor, sufferer of Gluttony and notorious troll-baiter, “at least since the family-friendly Disney Empire demanded we better more broadly than subliminally appeal to the Judeo-Christian hungering for salvation-demographic from among their many target audiences. And while DC is clearly taking a very Liberal interpretation of these popular icons of historic fiction, we at Marvel instead saw room for taking a rather more modernly Conservative stance. Bottom line- we don’t care who watches the Watchmen, we care about who can save the immortal souls of our Marvel heroes and villains. And that’s Jesus Christ, and only Jesus Christ.”
“But before the Son of God can come for seconds, these Ultimate Christian Soldiers have to march on to clear the way.”
The curious new direction was apparently instigated by born again sufferer of Greed Joe Quesada, who is no stranger to allowing personal whims to affect the Marvel Comics catalogue, as his own views on cigarettes resulted in virtually all of Marvel’s chain-smoking characters switching to nicorette rather abruptly. Now, as Joe’s alibi for having Spider-man make a deal with the devil has somehow passed through a confessional easier than billionaire Tony Stark piloting a SHIELD helicarrier through the eye of a needle, Marvel fans are in for a sinfully righteous treat.
The first arc, entitled Hell on Earth, will catch readers up to speed as to the origins and whereabouts of the long lost Marvel canonical heroes, as the holy trio escape from the flaming pits of Hell to find a modern world in dire need of a Judgement Day ideology. Teresa of Calcutta was a merry mutant with the ability to feed upon the life-energies of children and orphans as well as the sympathy of others, and also had the astonishing power to make money she came into contact with completely disappear off the face of the Earth. After choosing in death to go to Hell to assist the hundreds, possibly thousands of original sinners there, she meets the legendary Saint Francis, whose abilities to talk to animals and project bloodpools from his hands have enabled the friar-poet to survive these many centuries in the fiery miseries of eternal damnation. Completing their trinity is Pope John Paul II, whose uncanny psionic cloaking abilities protected uncountable numbers of priests from child molestation charges throughout the final decades of his life. The three holy rollers soon unite their God-given powers and souls on a sacred mission, to reaffirm the biblical Stairway to Heaven and to ready the world for Revelation along the way.
Armageddon Saints Sharing Commandments of Christ’s Kingdom, will be written by sufferer of Wrath Jack T. Chick, the popular writer and artist of hip, underground religious-themed Tijuana bibles, and fully painted by the incomparable sufferer of Pride Alex Ross in garishly erotic and ultra-violent detail. Noted sufferer of Lust Chuck Austen is already scheduled to write the second arc, The Thirteen Days of X-mas, to be joined (tentatively) by noted sufferer of Sloth Travis Charest on art.
“We are all truly looking forward to sharing how entwined the obsessions of the Merry Marvel Marching Society have always been to the Christian church throughout the entire history of the Marvel Universe,” continued Wacker. “And who better to set this up than our hot new find Jack T. Chick! In the third arc of the series, Chick will return to show how the dark reign of Eternals, Asgardians and Olympians was ultimately behind the slaughter of millions of sinning pagans from the Holy Roman Empire to the days of the Spanish Inquisition, false gods that they are. And Mutants will become hunted once more, as our three prophetic heroes uncover how the homo-superiors were formed by unholy fornication between man and demons. Aided by Glenn Beck’s private army of zealots, they will beat the sins out of the new generation like a parochial school nun smashing innocent fingers with her ruler, all in a brand new Heroic Age.”
“It’s all connected, magically so. Like some Divine Plan.”
But will the combined might of these saviors be enough to rightfully punish us all for our worldly sins of the past, present, and future? Find out this December, as the $4.99, ad-free 48 page Armageddon Saints Sharing Commandments of Christ’s Kingdom #1 hits the stands with a special wraparound cover by none other than red-hot superstar sufferer of Envy, Greg Land.