Spurred on by petitions sponsored by the League Against Stupid And Asinine Publicity Stunts that Offend (LASA APSO), and Why Is It That Entire Minorities Are Neglected? (WIITEMAN), Marvel has released an official release from the press department that releases press releases which apologizes for the storyline which resulted in a depowered, obnoxiously depressed Jubilee turning into a vampire after exposure to an exploding suicidal vampire blood bomber.
Sorry bout that. Our bad.”
Many fans of the X-Men remember Jubilee from when the X-Men were cool. As sidekick to Marvel’s then only somewhat over-exposed fan-favorite character Wolverine, a feature character in the popular X-Men Animated Series, and a playable character in various video games Jubilee has been a perennial fan favorite.
Recently, various writers have attempted to alienate aging fans, known to some retailers as “the only ones still buying comics”, through a series of efforts designed to make Jubilee a confusing mess. The trend began under Chuck Austen’s visionary run where Jubilee was crucified like fellow mutant vampire Jesus. She was later poorly written in a post-9/11 inspired series titled “New Warriors”, where various obscure X-Men characters with no connection to the previous and beloved New Warriors teams joined together in order to be killed off with little notice.
While Marvel’s apology was well received by fans on the internet, not everyone is excited. Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe head writer, Jeff Christiansen, was terminated after refusing to erase all mention of Jubilee’s vampire curse from her biography.
“I’ve gone to bat for Marvel before. They want to ignore Adam Warlock and Gamora’s adopted space baby? Fine… ‘her current whereabouts are unknown.’ Don’t want to talk about the time Black Knight spent leading Ultraforce? That’s alright he ‘was temporarily displaced from this dimension’. But just ignoring two years of the flagship X-Men title? What about the whole damn Vampires versus Mutants storyline and all the hype Marvel put behind it? Jubilee’s Twilight time is going in the damn book,” said Christiansen.
Marvel reacted swiftly by retconning Christiansen’s relationship with the publisher and declaring that all work previously written by Christiansen will be retroactively attributed to Grant Morrison. Early reports suggest that Christiansen’s family is relatively indifferent to the change, although a source close to the matter indicates that Morrison’s accent has made ordering food for family pizza night difficult.
When reached for comment about the status of his creation Jubilee, Chris Claremont’s estate issued the following comment: “Chris isn’t dead. What the hell is wrong with you?”